


Seven Layer Dip

by NyolkieEggBoi



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Humor, Late Night Writing, M/M, Magic, Magic potatoes, Odd, One hell of a wish, Out of Character, Triple double crunchwrap, Weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-11-07 15:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11061948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyolkieEggBoi/pseuds/NyolkieEggBoi
Summary: Sokolov absolutely HATES everyone in Groznyj Grad and wants to quit. He can't until one night in the kitchen...(I'll add more tags as I go)





	1. Consider The Seven Layer Dip

Down the mountains was a big and magical fortress known as, Groznyj Grad. The fortress housed many tanks, weapons, pizzas, and the Shagohod. It was the perfect place for Raikov to be lazy, Ocelot to do cat stuff, Tatyana to be a spy, and for everyone to have fun! Well everyone except one person...

A monicle rockin' scientist named, Sokolov. Ever since he was captured he's had not a single ounce of fun! Despite having to work on the Shagohod anyone in their right mind would at least steal a cookie or two. But he'd wanted to quit since day one and couldn't. Even if he tried he wouldn't want to face the shocking wrath of Volgin's magical lighting powers. 

Anyway, our angry scientist tiredly dragged his slouching body to the mess hall. His poor lab coat was covered in candy juice from a lab mistake by his co-workers. He grabbed his tray and filled it with various fast food items that were ordered today like triple double crunchwraps, mc nuggets, tacos, etc. Eating junk food is probably the only great thing about this place. Sokolov sighed before dragged himself to a lonely table to sit and eat his greasy dinner. "If only I were a somebody then I could leave this stupid place," he whispered before shoving the rest of the crunchwrap into his mouth.

To end this saddy sad mood the doors were suddenly kicked open by a big, red boot! The boot's owner was none other than the coat rockin', lightning zapping Colonel Volgin! He is super eager to know the progress of the Shagohod and simply couldn't just stomach down the wait with a crunchwrap supreme. The ginormous Colonel skipped and hopped to the lonely table that housed the unfortunate Sokolov. Volgin was so excited that he started jumping up and down like a puppy! "Heyo homeslice! I was jus' wondering what's the progress on the Shagohod. Can it blow things up 'n stuff?" He asked with a voice full of eagerness.

"This is like the 80'th time you've asked me today! Don't you have anything better to do like watch Bananya with Raikov?!" The scientist's sudden outburst meant nothing to Volgin, who was still bouncing up and down, awaiting his answer. "And no, it's not finished. I'm not even past Phase One. Look I'm old 'n shit why don't you just pass the job to someone young and eager. Ya'know like Justin. Though I think he's like that because of cocaine..."

"So basically quitting?" That's when Volgin's happy jumping ended along with his happy smile becoming a frown.

"Hey you said it. Not me." 

The ginormous man before Sokolov began to rummage through his coat pockets for something. That alone had the scientist frozen in fear as sweat rolled down his face. He had a feeling the Colonel was going to grab those bullets and beat him to a pulp. He gulped, awaiting his fate until he realized what came out of the pocket and onto the table. 

The sticker book of course....

Scarred hands vigorously flipped through the pages before finding the correct sheet of stickers. Volgin peeled a sticker that had a can with the words "seven layer dip". When the sticker was removed from the sheet it poofed into an actual can of seven layer dip. "Consider the seven layer dip," he began as he poured the layered dip onto Sokolov's tray of fast food. It was a thick cylinder of reds, greens, whites, and browns. "You see the gross mushy ones that are eaten last are the scientists like you and the janitors," he explained as he pointed to the bottom of the dip. He pointed to the top of the dip then continued, "The delicious parts that are eaten first are the dopest peeps here like me, Raikov, The Boss. You get what I'm saying?" 

"Not a clue.."

"I'm sayin' yeah you may be at the bottom, but that doesn't mean you can have loads of fun. It's a big fortress. Plan a living room campout or pirate Steven Universe episodes or something."

"Riiiiiiiiiiight..."

"It also means I own you SO YOU CAN'T QUIT!!!!!" Lightning sparked from the Colonel's body which was enough to make Sokolov fall back in his seat onto the floor in fear. Volgin snatched his magic sticker book and a crunchwrap before leaving. To add salt to the wound everyone in the lunchroom was staring at the scared Sokolov on the floor.

Meanwhile in Volgin's magical bedroom of awesome, the Colonel himself was sitting at his desk filling out some paperwork. Unfortunately the whole “Sokolov wanting to quit” thing was still in his mind. In fact it made him sigh deeply. Raikov, who was jumping in Volgin's soft bed, noticed the gloomy Colonel. He leaped out of the bed, landed on his face, then wobbed to his lover before giving him a squeeze on the shoulder. “Hey, what's the matter? The paperwork’s getting stressful? Let's just watch Steven Universe instead. I heard these new episodes are worth it.” He knew being a leader of a fortress is stressful, but there's always room for fun and games.

“Nah it's not that for once. It's actually something way worse.” Volgin replied as he set the stupid papers aside.

“The American showed up to steal some Mc Nuggets?”

“No. Sokolov wants to quit! Why would anyone want to quit the most exciting and funnest job ever?! He gets paid $0.75 an hour. What more could he want?!”

“Sokolov's always been a sour apple. That's why no one likes him. Besides you own him, so he can't quit even if he wanted to. Now lets watch those episodes before we accidentally see spoilers on Tumblr.” Raikov tugged on Volgin's arm before the colossal Russian got up from his work and joined his silver haired lover to watch tv. 

Sokolov tip toed down the dimly lit halls, past any janitors, and into the now empty mess hall. Fortunately his slippers made his steps quiet, so no one would hear him. He entered the kitchen in the back to find any pots filled with leftovers. A particular pot filled with baked potatoes began to glow a bright blue color. “Maybe that means there's a sweet potato inside!” Sokolov thought out loud as he opened the pot to reveal a blue baked potato. He tilted his head in confusion. He’d never seen a weird potato like that before. Maybe it's just bursting with flavor. He grabbed the spud and took a tiny experimental nibble at it. It was delicious! The flavor was foreign, he never tasted anything like it, but it dance happily on his tongue! It was so good that he took bites bigger than the last until it was all gone. He licked his blue colored lips and rubbed his now full belly. It tasted like heaven! He searched the pot to find another, but there were only just plain brown potatoes. He sighed, his fun was short lived.

“I wish I could quit this stupid job, then maybe I could find more of these potatoes!”


	2. The Wild Goose Chase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sokolov is missing! Where could he be?!

Soft, tiny hands shook Volgin's enormous onesie wearing body. The Thunder God just wouldn't budge at all because he must be sleeping soundly dreaming of torture and cookies. The owner of the delicate little hands wasn't going to give up. He grabbed his cell phone and played a video of frog croaking. That made the Colonel jump up from his sleep and back into a wall which gave a better view of his orange onesie with lighting bolts on it. Volgin's scared face was under a hood that had two plug prongs on the top. His pupils were as tiny as a penny! Raikov laughed before turning off the YouTube video and sliding the phone in his pajamas pants pocket. “Well that woke you up.”

“What the butts Raikov?! Why did you do that?!” Volgin tried to raise his voice, but he sounded super sleepy.

“‘Cause there's a big problem. Sokolov is missing!”

“What? Missing?!” Volgin leaped out of the bed and landed onto his feet and not on his face. Sparks of electricity sizzled and surged around his body to the point where the fabric started to stand up. What a way to start the morning, pissed off. “Have the guys checked everywhere?!”

“We checked high, low, the kitchen, and his room. We even called the neighbors and they haven't a clue where Sokolov could be.”

The two quickly dressed into their uniforms before starting their wild goose chase around the fortress in search for Sokolov. They searched the library, Tanya’s room (just to play with her makeup), the kitchen where they saw blue mush on the floor, and lastly outside. They stopped to catch their breaths when suddenly Volgin's cell phone played “It’s Over Isn't It”. Volgin grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and answered the call. “Hello? Who is this?”

“Oh hello! This is your neighbor, Kelly. I heard you guys were having trouble finding a friend.” The lady said.

“Do you see him or something?” 

“Of course! My husband works at a big business said he saw him there.”

“Holy ravioli…” Volgin hung up the call before sliding the cellular device into his coat. His eyes were as big as potatoes. Sokolov actually ‘effing quitted 

After an hour of raging Raikov happily agreed to drive Volgin to the business place on his pretty purple moped. It was decked out with bumper stickers of the various fandoms he and Volgin both liked. The duo rocked some extra fancy black suits. The back of Volgin's suit jacket had the words “Kuwabara Bitches” with pictures of lightning bolts on it. Raikov's suit jacket had shooting stars on the back and star shaped buttons on the front. They looked like a couple of idiots, but at least they're doing it together! The moped is parked right in front of a tall skyscraper that overpowered every building in the city. There's nothing but people with suits walking in and out with nothing but stern, serious looks on their face. They can't even have fun like that! These serious bozos were going to have one hell of a show today. Before stepping off the moped, Volgin and Raikov added the final ingredient to their outfits, shades. It's time to roll out.

The inside of the building is usually quiet with the occasional workers talking. That was until the entrance doors were forcefully pushed open. They slammed into the wall with a loud BANG! Everyone in the lobby looked up from their positions to see what the disturbance could be. It's the two idiots, Volgin and Raikov. They did that stupid dramatic slow walk down the tiled hallways, which earned this a bunch of stares. Though the looks on their face read “Zero Fucks Given”. Raikov pushed a nearby guy that was carrying books of many sizes. The poor sap was crush underneath a pile of volumes 1 through 80. Volgin slapped a stack of papers off of someone's desk. Each sheet flew past them like white doves to add extra drama. After a good 30 minutes of harassment they made it to the door of the meeting room. 

“This is like the 8’th business we busted in. Are you sure this is the one?” Raikov asked while adjusting his shades.

“I’m confident this is the one. I have a gut feeling!” Volgin replied as he twisted the door’s knob and pulled it open to reveal a group of workers sitting at a long table. They were discussing a product or something. “Hello ladies and gentlemen. No need to freak out we're just here to discuss some shit.”

“Well we’re just about to wrap this meeting up.” The business dude wasn't lying either because the smartboard up front was legit on the last slide. 

Obviously Volgin never took no for an answer. Further proving so he climbed on top of the table; Raikov followed suit. It got even more weirder when Volgin used his magic stickers to summon a midi fighter! His big fingers dances on the buttons to create some lit as fuck beats. Raikov on the other hand started breakdancing on the table! The workers screamed and freaked out! This definitely wasn't a part of the meeting! They finally got the attention they needed when a familiar man with grey hair and mustache stepped into the room barking orders for everyone to calm down. That's when he and Volgin made eye contact and the beats stopped. “Sokolov?!”

“Volgin?”

“ Dude we’ve been looking all over for you! I can't believe you quitted, but I hate to break it to you. I own you so you CAN'T quit! Now pack up we’re going home!”

“No. Sorry I'm on top and you simply cannot stop me. Even if you tried I have the world's finest lawyers who could help me sue every penny from you becauseof the horrible work you put me through! Try me, bitch!” Volgin and Raikov gasped. Their mouths open in surprise. Sokolov truly meant what he said. The ex-scientist’s hands rested on his hips and his head was held high. 

“How can this be?!”

“Let me put it into simpler terms for your dumb brain,” He began as he opened his suitcase and grabbed a familiar looking can. He opened it and dumped the cylindrical contents on top of Volgin's midi fighter. “Consider the seven layer dip. Idiots like you and Raikov who think their power and money will get them on top are actually the gross and mushy parts people hate. Me, a smart individual does not need those things to surpass you goons. I just need wits. That's why I am at the top layers that everyone eats first.” He explained by pointing to the certain parts of the dip similar to what Volgin did yesterday.

“I can't believe you actually did that… But wait! What about the Shagohod?! If you aren't fixing it then no progress will happen, which means my plans are on a forever halt! Then we'll all have to live normal lives!” The thought of living a boring normal life just made Volgin's stomach turn. It made him feel sick and dizzy! Raikov shook his head in disbelief with eyes wide in fear. 

“Better than being a slave for you!”

Security came to see Volgin and Raikov out the door. They poked the two with their nighsticks before ordering them to leave. The cops didn't have to tell them twice; The sad Colonel and Major walked out this business and outside were they were greeted by a tow truck taking the purple moped.

“Things couldn't get any worse…” Raikov mumbled.


	3. It's Over Isn't It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Volgin isn't the greatest cook

Word got around quickly in Groznyj Grad about everyone having to live normal lives. Some soldiers quitted to pursue a normal and boring life, while others had nowhere to go and just stayed. Volgin, Raikov, Ocelot, and Tatyana all hung out in the living room sitting on the couch. They ate away their feelings with tubs of ice cream and gummies. To add on to the gloomy mood they were watching every sad episode of Steven Universe from It's Over Isn't It to Bismuth. Ocelot effortlessly spun one of his revolvers only being able to get one good spin. He swallowed his ice cream then said, “We’re normies, so now what do we do? Get a dead end job and slowly fall into debt?”

“It’s the only thing we can do.” Raikov replied then shoved a spoonful of rainbow sherbet into his mouth. He frowned when the episode got to the part where Bismuth got poofed. “You could work at a grocery store or something.”

“Yeah I guess so…”

“Well I don’t know about you guys,” Said Tatyana with a voice full of glee, “I’m still young which is the perfect time to go to college! I’ve always wanted to major in tacos and here's my chance!” She ripped open a bag of Gummy Volgin and Friends and of course ate the one she hated first, which is Volgin. Maybe she was onto something. If Sokolov didn't care about them then why should they care about him?

“I think Tanya’s onto something. Who needs dumb old Sokolov anyway?! I’ll be the best stay at home Colonel ever and Raikov would make a hot model! We’ll be so normal that normal people will idolize us!” Volgin cheered as he stood up from the couch with his head held high and his hands on his hips. The ideal pose of determination! “We’re so fucked…” He mumbled shortly after.

\--

Meanwhile at the big business place, Sokolov is in his office sitting at his mahogany desk. He had papers and other weird business things stacked up to work on. Luckily his office had a coffee machine in one corner and a radio on his desk that played chill beats to keep him relaxed unlike his broke down, horrible lab in Groznyj Grad that only had a radio with one functioning EDM station. Life never felt so sweet. He's definitely living the dream and loving every single bit of it. His boss, a bald man in a suit, entered his office. Sokolov greeted him with gleeful “hello” followed with a, “Is there something you need sir?”

“What you did back there Mr. Sokolov was amazing. You stood up to that GRU clown,” “GRU clown”, what a fitting insult, “We need people like you in our working field. Strong and full of brains.”

“Yeah. Totally!”

“That's why I'm making you manager of the business’ projects! The best part is that you want see this evil plan coming!” He cheered until he came to the last sentence which he whispered along with turning his back to Sokolov and staring into the darkness to add more suspicion.

“Was there something you said, sir?”

\--

Being normal sucked because unfortunately torture isn’t something a regular person can do every day. Fun is normal, so why being a sadist isn’t? Also being a stay at home Colonel wasn't all that it's cut out to be. Having the fortress to yourself is fun and all, but it gets lonely when everyone is out trying to get a dead end job. This totally isn't the Kuwabara lifestyle. 

Volgin tried entertaining himself by prank calling Granin, but caller ID is a bitch. He played with Tanya’s makeup, but it's only fun when someone sees his facial masterpiece. He even tried playing Fireboy and Watergirl, but gave up since it's easier with two players. The Colonel eventually flopped down on the floor with a loud thud! Everything is just too quiet! No music to get lit to, no soldiers doing their typical patrols, and no Boss being weird and mysterious. Where is she anyway? It's so quiet that he could hear the high pitched squeaks the dust bunnies plotting to cover the fortress in a sheet of dust. 

“What do we want?!”

“TO RULE!”

“How do we want it?!”

“WITH DUST!”

The weird dust speech was interrupted by Volgin's cellphone alarm, which scared off the bunnies, who fled into the cracks in the floor. He dug through his coat pocket and pulled out his ringing Starphone. “It’s time to cook! It's time to cook!” it read.

“Oh no! I almost forgot!” Volgin scrambled to his feet before running all the way to the mess hall. Apparently it's normal for stay at home people to cook for all the residents in the house. Unfortunately Volgin wasn't the greatest cook. What could possibly go wrong?

The writer spoke too soon…

What went from a clean, spotless kitchen became a dirty, food-filled battlefield! Spoons, forks, knives, and other kitchen utensils were sprawled all over the kitchen. A big pot full of thick, orange, bubbling soup was overflowing onto the stove top. Volgin on the other hand thought this was totally a part of cooking. He dipped his giant finger into the bubbling soup then licked it off.

“Hmmmm. It's missing something…. OH I KNOW! A GRENADE!”

Out of the knife drawer came a grenade. The pin was pulled and the explosive went right into the soup. Just as he (and us readers) expected, the soup exploded! The whole kitchen and Volgin were covered in orange. 

“Kuwabara! It's perfect!”


	4. The House Guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A guest comes over Groznyj Grad. Hooray!

Down the mountains was a big and normal fortress known as, Groznyj Grad. Life never felt so normal in this place. It's the perfect place to watch boring reality shows, do your taxes, and cry about your dead end job at a grocery store. With our monocle rockin’ scientist named Sokolov out of the picture, it meant Volgin's plans for the Shagohod are put to a halt. This meant all of the GRU soldiers must live normal lives while Sokolov enjoys the luxury of the big business. Volgin is now a stay at home Colonel, Tanya goes to college, Ocelot has a dead end job or something, and Raikov is a model.

Volgin ‘n friends were hanging out in the living room watching a boring soap opera like normal people usually do. The show had to do with two chicks fighting over a guy or something. The acting was terrible with people exaggerating their deaths by slowly falling and monologuing. Volgin watched while stuffing chips into his mouth. Tanya was sitting on the floor surrounded by lots of college homework. She ran a hand through her hair, sighing to herself because none of the work made any since. Who’s ever heard of the “square root of cheese and meat and cheese in a taco”? This major is harder than she thought. Speaking of majors, Ocelot decided to sleep on the couch since the soap opera seemed boring af. Raikov sat on the floor as well, playing with a new makeup kit this modeling agency gave to him. He applied eyeshadow, eyeliner, concealer, and even lip gloss. Hopefully his masterpiece will be glamorous for the new fashion collection he has to show off.

The soap homeworking makeup opera suddenly got interrupted by a knock on the door! Who could it be? UPS? But no one ordered a electronic yodeling pickle.

“I’ll get it. It might just be one of them johoopla witness ladies.” Volgin said as he stood up from the couch and headed to the front door. He twisted the knob and pulled the door open to revealed a familiar brown haired, bandana rockin’ soldier, who wore a cute ducky camo. It's Snake, the enemy! “Snake! What are you doing here?!”

“Yeah go home! Can't you see we’re busy!” Raikov chimed in.

“Uhh… remember I'm here for Sokolov, I gotta kill The Boss, and destroy the Shagohod.” Explained Snake, who counted his fingers to the number of objectives he had to complete. Three right?

“Oh yeah...that.” Volgin nervously laughed while running a hand through his his short, blond hair. Snake didn't know? The Shagohod project is done along with Sokolov. Everyone has to live shitty normal lives because of dumb ‘ol Sokolov! “Sokolov isn't here anymore. He left…”

“Left?” Snake tilted his head in confusion. What did he mean Sokolov left? Did he escape on his own or something? Impossible!

“He quitted his job and there's nothing I can do about it. The Shagohod is useless. It's pretty much a car at this point. My plans are now at a forever halt and we all must live normal lives! I bet Granin is laughing at me too...”

Snake could care less about these doods problems. It honestly made his job in completing the mission easier. With the Shagohod gone, all he had to do was find Sokolov and eliminate The Boss(which we all know is gonna be sad af). “I need to know where he's at. Maybe Volgin knows…” Snake thought. He needed a plan if he was going to get Sokolov without going on a wild goose chase like Raikov and Volgin did in chapter 2. “Uh-huh...sorry to hear about that… I guess. I uh… have some time to kill… uh I could come over… for uh… cookies?”

This is gonna be a bad idea…

It felt weird… no wrong, sitting in a living room with his enemies. Raikov and Tanya simply ignored him while Ocelot on the other hand kept scooting closer and closer to the point where there wasn't a gap between the two. Explosions and the sound of silverware clattering came from the kitchen meaning Volgin is baking the cookies. Hopefully that means the cookies are coming out delicious. Last thing he wants is to puke and make Volgin upset.

“So uh… this is my fav episode of Star vs The Forces of Evil. Spider With A Tophat is a useful spell after all! You uh… have any favorites?” Snake asked Ocelot.

This is totally Ocelot's chance to have a cool and magical convo with the super cool awesome Snake! What are you waiting for?! Say something! STAY.COOL.

“Your favorite! OH BOY COINCIDENCE! It's my favorite episode too! Cause ya’know ALL the COOL soldiers are like that episode. It's like the struggles of TYPICAL soldiers who became LEGENDS and and that's something we ALL should take from it and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH..” He kept rambling on and on about how cool it was to watch a simple episode about a spider wanting to fight too. Judging by Snake's frown it was annoying.

But Snake must remain a good house guest…

Volgin eventually came back with a plate full of the grossest cookies Snake ever seen! They were green with purple spots scattered all over. The cookies oozed a orange filling. The smelled crept into Snake's nose making his eyes widen and his cheeks fill up with puke. Unfortunately, he had to swallow it down and remain calm.

“Dig in everyone!”

Raikov, Ocelot, and Tatyana all ran from their places to grab some cookies. The fact that they could eat those green monstrosities baffled Snake. Can't they smell the awful stench they emitted, or is this a part of being normal? He’d rather eat rations! He’s gotta do this if he wants to find that dummy, Sokolov! 

Snake grabbed the monstrosity from the plate. It's orange filling dripped on his gloved fingers. It's now or never! Once he plopped the green pastry into his mouth he had to fight the urge to frown. His nose scrunched up from the awful taste! He slowly chewed the disgusting cookie before swallowing it. “Oh God…. It was deli...cious…! It practically… melted in my mouth. Sokolov's totally missin’ out...” He wanted to throw up so bad! 

“Good point! Now that Sokolov's in that big business in the city that means more cookies for us!” Tanya said before chowing down on another cookie.

Cha-Ching!

“Big business huh? OH WELL LOOK AT THE TIME!” Snake grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and pointed to the clock. “Ya’know I would stay, but I gotta complete my mission ‘n stuff. Gotta prevent that nuclear war. The cookieswereniceseeya!” With a quick wave, he bolted out of the fortress, behind a bush..

..and puked.


End file.
